10:49 a.m. Some days I crash around all day trying to think of something to write about. Some days it's literally handed to me on a platter. This is one of those days, and here's the irresistible tidbit in the Science section of the paper:

"Labs Close in on the 'God Particle'

The hunt is on for the Higgs boson, the universal giver of heft."

You can't make this stuff up.

You've got to love the scientists, and the psychologists, and the researchers who fuel their fantasies. The "universal giver of heft!" And to that, I say ha! Not aha, but ha! Not only have I identified such an entity, I've made him my life's study. The "God particle, indeed." So his name is Higgs, is it?

I'd like to have a talk with Higgs one of these days. He's been too, too generous with me. Thank you for the heft already, and that's quite all right -- I've had enough. Really. For example. Right this minute I'm gnawing on a slice of Royal Raisin Walnut Bread and the label says I'm consuming a mere 90 calories, 15 of which are "fat" calories. But thanks to the universal giver of heft, our man Higgs, you can be sure that I will translate this slice of mere calories into heft, pure heft in just a matter of minutes. It's chemistry. It's not magic; it's science.

Yeah, yeah, so now I'll read the stupid article and see what they're really talking about. Maybe I'll get some dieting clues. Back in a sec.

Well, that was enlightnin'.

There are these guys, see (it's undoubtedly a "girls-not-allowed" type of clubhouse), and they've got this 17-mile long tunnel dug up in a big circle in Switzerland, near Geneva. How much did that cost? Don't ask -- they didn't tell. Anyway, this particular 17-mile tunnel contains an accelerator that is getting too old now to be of any more use, so they're going to be building a new one, ready maybe, in 2005.

Now what, you might ask, goes on in that 17-mile circle? Well, the guys shoot this air through, but really really fast, hoping some of the invisible particles will hit other invisible particles, you know? Or not. Depends on a lot of factors. Complicated. Really really complicated. If you ask, they'll tell you it's math. Instead of words, they'll scrawl numbers on a slip of paper. It's a secret code. Anyway, that's how they hope to see Higgs at work, depending.

Depending? Well, have you ever known a guy who's happy with his machinery? Is the engine ever big enough? Does the thing ever go fast enough? Isn't there always a bigger, faster one just right around the corner, there -- all shined up and ready to buy? And why aren't towels and sheets and a brand new down comforter of equal importance in the scheme of things? Why ask why -- it's the guys, remember.

Well. Back to the science. And no making that quotation-mark sign in the air. These guys are going for bust. They say they'll be running the LEP accelerator "flat out, during its last years of service." Dr. Leon Lederman, a former director of the Fermilab, describes all this fabulous action in his book, The God Particle. He compares the quest to "a horse race." He's betting against CERN and the old machine in the tunnel, and putting his money on another big machine in another big tunnel, this time in Batavia, Illinois. And the prize? Why, it's the big old Nobel, of course.

I'll root for the guys at CERN, I think. After all, I have a soft spot in my heart for them -- who wouldn't? There were times in the early days of the WWW when they were the only shop open at night and we've had some fine visits. Plus, you've got to root for the old machine that's going to be run into the ground in this, its final quest. So, I say, go for it.

Shoot that air around in circles and clap those invisible particles together. Fill your blackboards and whiteboards with irrational numbers and strange attractors and random equations all the way out to the edge, and beyond. Chase after those illusive and still undiscovered supersymmetric quarks and leptons. It's cute, really. Peter Pan never, ever has to grow up.

Meanwhile, if you really want to know more about the universal giver of heft, you need merely go to any place where you see him hanging out his sign. Talk to the people wandering in and out -- they know a thing or two about heft.

And hey -- try some of the deep-fried boson, with a side of blue-cheese. it's low-fat. He swears.