Thursday, February 1, 2001

 

3:21 p.m. A whole lot of hearts this month ... perhaps too many, but we'll see. I suppose you can have too many, but of course you can't have too much ... so, we'll see.

Every month, ever since I decided that I was going to change the general look-see of the site each and every month, I've had the opportunity to re-think this whole entire strange trip that I've undertaken. Each month it gets easier to do the designs because I'm a little more sure of what I like to look at for 30 days, but on the other hand, each month the writing gets harder.

This whole daily journey through public waters -- good or bad? Useful or purely a sop? Albatross or white bird of hope? Anchor or cement sneakers?

Well, I've been thinking about it. On the one hand, this kind of writing will never win any awards and will never make me any money. Convenient -- since I'm not getting paid. But then, that's not what this kind of writing is for. This isn't art, so much as it's a phone call and a letter and a chat across the back fence ...

... on the other hand ...

But no -- if I didn't write here, I have to admit to myself that most days I would not write at all. My little artistic endeavors have been shunted to the back of the closet until I find a way to pay for this nice cozy leaky roof that arches three floors over my head and keeps most of the rain off my pillow.

10:14 p.m. So, a little lament, a little nap, and a lot changes. For reasons I can't really explain, this seems to be the correct activity for me at this time. I think my designs are pretty and I'm proud of my pages. I'm not trying to squint and compose each time I sit down to write, but I'm also not just sitting here typing, either.

I've been sad the past few days and wondering if I've allowed myself to drift off course ... the month of January is over, already ... the first fifty years are over, already ... I still make (many of the) same mistakes, already. You can see how one could wonder.

However, I don't make all the same mistakes. I make new ones now. That's something.