:: Saturday, March 3, 2001 ::

 

12:37 a.m. I'm not sure whether or not I should believe this circular that came in the mail today from our local big food store. Big red signs outside say "Smart and Final" and so you have to assume the name has something to do with your abilities and the purchase process.

When my daughter was visiting, she wondered aloud whether there was a "Stupid and Temporary" store somewhere else. There could be. This is a strange part of the world that we live in.

However, this circular seems to want to tell us that there really is a Mr. Smart who was savvy enough to hook up, rather than flee from someone named Mr. Final. I don't know. I don't know.

My mother took a long time to convince me that the two brothers in the really great movie Big Night, who were named by *their* unimaginative mother "Primo" and "Secondo" really did exist and actually did start a still-thriving food business on the East Coast. She even sent me a package wrapping from the P&S company to prove it.

So, there really could be a Mr. Smart and a Mr. Final. Just like there could have been Two Guys who started that store and three peppy boys who started up that other store. We used to have a bagel store around here called "I and Joy" and it took me forever to understand that one. Say it fast.

It's gone, now, due to the flood of Noah's Bagels all over town. I was shocked to find out, again from my New York-based children, that Noah's doesn't make the bagels in the proper old-fashioned boiling way. They are pretty darn good, however.

I was also shocked -- horrified, actually -- when my mother told me that certain establishments back home are now making their cheese steaks with -- oh, my aching heart! -- with Velveeta. Oh, say it iddn't so! That's just as wrong as wrong can be. As horrible as lettuce all over a hoagie, I would think.

Then, there's Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. A more obscure person would be hard to find, at least in this country. He was a fixture on the talk circuit, I think, back when the talk circuit was past my bedtime. A friend of Genevieve, I believe. You'd have to be at least 50 to pick up these references, or very, very smart.

Maybe that's yet another one of the good things about getting older -- you're just naturally more well-read, well-rounded (and well-padded) than the rest of the population. You just plain know more things. If you've kept your wits about you, you can even put some of those many bits of knowledge into a pleasing patois for just such moments as these, when it's late and you're a bit short on material.

I wonder why they didn't call the store "Final and Smart" instead? Would that change everything?