Tuesday, September 5, 2000

 

12:37 a.m. It has become a most stressful time around here lately, and I know I'm starting to crack under the weight of it. Money worries, job worries ... career worries ... and I'm trying to figure out the right thing to do in difficult circumstances.

My stomach has been queasy and my sleep has become ... interesting. Since I've been walking around with a head full of arguments and conclusions and revisions and more arguments, I can't help but laugh at the dreams I've been having. The latest was a vivid, luxury cruise to Hawaii, and the weird thing is that now I have those memories rattling around in my head as if I'd actually gotten on the boat.

Because, on closer examination, of course there is no difference between these dreams and these worries. Even after you concede that it's all electrical firing and synapse touch-and-go, you have to admit that a worry is no less ephemeral than a dream; a dream is no less concrete than a worry.

So, although I will continue to worry about the spotty carpet in our house and although I can remember the exact weave and color of the carpet in the hotel room in my dream, in the end, both rugs are mostly in my mind, mostly out of reach.

I've created a sort of racetrack route up and down the stairs and around a balcony, and I've timed myself as I march around and around in circles, trying to get the endorphins to come out and soothe my troubled brow. Five minutes equals ten go-arounds, equals my left knee feels it but I start to think more clearly. It's true that I do focus on the carpet as I walk, thus the dream, I guess. And it's also true that I'd love to get away from things for a little while.

School started up today and it hasn't bothered me that much that I live right beside a booming nursery school. It bothered me a little more than usual today. Maybe the kids were overly excited. Maybe I was more sensitive than usual. Maybe it was the whistle-and-stomp parade that went on for a really long time.

And now the school wants to expand, and we have to give our official endorsement in a letter to the planning people and I am more than a little bit tempted to Just Say No. I won't, of course. But today I wondered just how intense the little voices right outside my head are going to become in the next few months.

And will they drown out the little voices within? I truly, desperately hope so.