Wednesday, September 27, 2000

 

12:08 a.m. I know there have to be days like this, for purposes of ordinary sanity, and for balance. There are days in which: you do nothing, accomplish nothing, achieve no goals, hardly even clean up the kitchen. Nothing. Nothing.

I'm here, at the end of the day and I've little to show for my tenancy here. One of the many, many things I didn't do today was to write an essay to the TiVo people so that I might win a free TiVo machine-thingy-dohickey.

There're having a cool contest, and if you can merely scrape 250 words together, coherent words, mind you, about why you'd be a good candidate for one of their nifty new-fangled machines, the machine could be yours.

I wanted to enter; I really did. Reasons why I could use a TiVo are as follows:

1. Just yesterday our very old VCR started acting up again.
2. I don't like to watch movies from the movie channels because I often have to pee.
3. Sometimes someone (he knows who he is) will bring a shiny bag of crunchy things to the viewing area and then try to rip open said bag when the most important moments of he-said, she-said are taking place. "Huh?" And so we must pause and rewind and listen more carefully. As many times as it takes.
4. When we've had to be away from the TV, we've obviously taped the season finale to the X-files, when all will be revealed, only to come home, get out the crunchy things, put up our four feet, hit the button, and gape slack-jawed at the opening sounds of "Who's The Boss."

These, then, would be my reasons. Were I coherent, I'd fill in an application and send it off, bite a few nails, and wait. Were I competent and coherent, I'd do it before the deadline.

But wait: I can't use point #1 because this machine doesn't play old back-and-forth tapes, does it? Scratch that one. And as for number #2, which is the most pressing reason of all for wanting any kind of recording device hooked up to our entertainment console ... you probably can't say pee in a national contest.

As for the last two points: I'm a writer and I like to hear the dialogue. Is that asking too much? That probably puts me in too small a minority to matter, but it's the truth. And as for the X-files, will forget about that. As far as I'm concerned, now that Mulder's been abducted by aliens, what's the use?

What was he thinking? Hasn't he been watching network TV for the past -- I don't know, 30 years? Who is Jack Lord without Hawaii 5-0? Or that Rifleman guy? Or Joel form Northern Exposure? I'm sure there's plenty more examples of guys without a series who've drifted without a career, but you know what? Today's not the day for me to successfully come up with examples.

Today is a lost cause. That red-haired Caruso guy, of course. Or maybe the Kolchak Night Stalker guy. Give it up. Stay on TV. Ride your ride to the end of the line, waving graciously to all the folks who've come out to line the tracks.

Boy! What a lousy day. I am a lumpen pile of goo, sitting in front of the TV, flipping aimlessly between Geraldo and Paula Zahn and the commercial that's on the Olympic station every single time I settle there. Bicycles flying by, cut to commercial. I'm out of there.

Gee -- maybe I could use a TiVo after all ...