Monday, June 19, 2000

2:00 a.m. If I worked in an office full of mates, I would have spent all the day complaining of a faint malaise accompanied by a deep fatigue. I would have slacked and commented on it. I would have issued various clichéd statements of the "My get up and go has got up and gone" variety and people would have been bored with me.

But since I work alone, I have had no outlet for my complaining and thus, no sympathy. Instead, I've been walking around all day as if I'm under a cloud of unknowing what to do; a gray cloud of murk. Maybe, as they often say, I'm coming down with something. Only -- I never do. I fight it off at the border.

Maybe I'm just not used to shopping. Maybe the shock of going from two days out in the world, negotiating and dealing and then dragging back the bounty and the spoils, has in fact spoiled me for quite contemplative work. Maybe I'm guilt-ridden about having too much fun. Maybe I have an MSG hangover. Maybe I'm just out of sorts.

What are sorts, anyway?

I can't, of course, write a whole entry on a general undignified feeling of mmmfpfhfp. I want to impart some kind of value to the readers of this column, and I've actually been wracking my brain wondering how I can do just that as my big year folds over on itself. A recipe a day from one of my old books? I've thought about that. A word for the day, used in an inspirational sentence?

Value. It's always in the eye of the beholder. What of value do you take away from each day? Is it something wonderful that you've just seen? Is it a chance to perform a good deed? Is it a bit of information you didn't have before? I hug or a cuddle from man or beast? A nice hot bath or a warm cup of tea? A cool breeze, unexpected ...

I used to read books about people who've had life after death experiences. I read a few of them, looking for similarities, veracity, hints on how to get to heaven. I've distilled a few guidelines from those many books, and here they are. We are on this earth for only two reasons: 1. to learn something and 2. to make the other guy feel good. Everything else is superfluous.

All the anecdotes of life-reviews at the moment of death seem to point to these two truths. You are on good, heaven-sent ground when you're busy with knowledge in all its many, many forms and when you ease the way for the man beside you. When you study the text and let the lady cut in line. When you thank the waiter for translating the menu, you're hitting both goals at once.

Knowledge and good deeds. Wisdom and kindness. Enlarging your spirit. Not making a person feel bad. Not walking through life with blinders on. One you do for yourself; one you do for others.

Now a hot bath and the end of this entry. One is an escape for me; the other for you.