Tuesday, June 20, 2000

12:21 a.m. It's getting nearer and nearer to the time -- I'm actually over the threshold already, even as I type, but you know that I'm not counting it as tomorrow until I've gone to sleep, slept the sleep of the just and sprung out of bed all awry and chicken-haired and frantic ... and *then* it will be tomorrow, the 21st.

My one year anniversary is coming and I couldn't feel more proud or -- any more stupid if I tried. One year of writing for the airwaves, as free and as unstructured as you please. Anyone remember Joni Mitchell's wonderful song called "Free"? About the man on the corner who was playing for free?

It's a moving conundrum. Give it away and it's worthless. You get what you pay for. Oh, I hang my head. Or -- I do a dance of joy. Maybe both -- it's a very ugly sight.

I tried to get drunk tonight because I don't want to think about what's going on here. It's a tried and true tradition in my family, except -- I really think they've reduced the alcohol content in wine these days. I really do. I think the stuff is prematurely aged and rushed to market and I think we're drinking and paying for barrel-flavored grape juice. Two expensive glasses and: nada.

Sober as a judge and just as judgmental. I'm still me and I'm still embarrassed to be writing for free. What's it gotten me? Discipline? Oh, pshaw. Better skills? Only better surface skills. I no longer fear the first sentence, but do I ever strap on the snorkel and go a little deeper? Did I ever?

Do I polish and rewrite? Not really -- except, you'd be surprised.

I've gained the courage to lop off entire paragraphs that go nowhere -- like now -- I've just killed the rest of this paragraph.

Why would a writer who clawed her way to publication drop back and do something as strange as this? I'll tell you why.

But first --edamame. Edi-mommy, A new food I only learned about on Friday night. Every Japanese kitchen has it if you ask for it -- even if it's not on the menu. The perfect food. Salty, but substantial. Wholesome. I've had it every night since Friday.

I'm going to buy some from the market and experiment with cooking it: "throw into boiling, salted water" seems to be the extent of the directions. Stay tuned. It can't be that easy. Edamame. The next best thing.

Where was I? Oh yes, pitying self. Berating same.

Waiting for tomorrow, when I will mount a tribute to my readers, those wonderful souls who have taken the time to tell me my words are getting through. It's going to be an all-day, all-night tribute, with many cool animations and some of my finest metaphors ... so I'd best be getting along, getting some sleep ... so that I'm fresh and firm and fully formed for the big day.

Thank you, in advance, for being on this strange trip with me. It's been less dark because of you.