~ Thursday, April 19, 2001 ~

 

11:36 p.m. Still feeling incredibly, noticeably flat. I realize that there is beauty all around me, but ...

And last night I actually had to leave the piece in mid-thought because I just could not get anywhere with any topic. I wanted to talk about naps, for example, because there's just been a study published that links a long, healthy life directly to the ability to take naps.

That, plus copious moments of goofing off. The ability to waste time, it seems, actually buys you some time. That's comforting.

Then, I wanted to talk about a different expert I was listening to who warns people to keep on eating protein, and lots of it, if they want to avoid serious depression. Ok. That makes me feel better about that carnivorous urge that comes upon me every now and then ...

So, those were my topics and that's all I could manage with them. Naps good. Meat good. The only thing missing is: writer's block: good.

So, it's ebb tide around here. That's all. It comes and it goes. An empty vessel waits for the next gush from that rusty pump. I thought I was really getting somewhere a couple of days ago, but then ... the gush trickled away and I began to cough up sand so I stopped.

As for the rest of it? Needless to say, I fell off my diet and now I must start all over again. Ditto the non-exercise. I strained my back a little, teeny tiny bit and skipped a day and now ... I have to start all over again.

My natural way is very slovenly. I eat whatever I find in the fridge, usually tasty leftovers for lunch. Today's treat was Thai rice, dotted with golden raisins and just the hint of curry. Who could resist? Not me, obviously. Food is such fun.

Then I get drowsy. Oh, it's a vicious cycle.

So, it's just a little life and yet I'm failing big. Ok. Now what? How to turn this drifting ship around so that I don't crash into the rocks? I've found that it helps to just sit and stare into space sometimes ... and also to wait before the next action ... wait and listen ...

... slow everything down and listen and wait. And sigh. Oh yes. I do sigh.